So, I kinda realized something the other day.

I've been experiencing this identity crises. I feel like if I wear dresses and crap I can't be gay. I mean, I want people to know I'm gay. I may not say it to their faces, but I want them to look at me and think "What a gaywad!"

I like my cargo pants (How did these become exclusively lesbian? Cargos are awesome on everybody!) and button ups, but sometimes I wanna wear a dress and MAYBEmaybenot wear some makeup and MAYBEMAYBENOTIDK some heels. But when I do I feel really... straight. I mean, is that bad? I know that not all lesbians are butchy softball players named "Sam" or "Chris." But seriously, I just want to wear a dress and still feel like a gaywad.

How do femmes do it? I get that maybe not everyone has this weird need to be recognized as gay.

Maybe it's all my experiences with creepy guys. I have literally been stalked by two creepy teenage boys all over downtown. We were sitting at a gelato place's outdoor seating, and these mofos circled around the block and kept passing the gelato place the whole time we sat there. And then followed us everywhere else. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but that experience really scared the pants off me, and made me kinda paranoid. Honestly, I know that if I had been alone, they probably would have raped me. Again, maybe dramatic, but they just gave me horrifying vibes.

I feel like if I dress gayer then maybe they'll leave me alone more. I know that gay girls get hit on too, but heterosexual men really only care about femme lesbians don't they? If I continue to dress in sweater vests and ties, they'll leave me alone right?

The more I think about it, the more it becomes a security blanket.

Alternative lifestyle cut?

Okay, so, umm. I get mistaken for straight a lot.
How is this? Sure, I'll wear a dress, but for gods sake, I wear a thumb rings, button ups, and Doc Martens practically everyday. It's my hair right? My super curly shoulder length girly hair? It cancel out my gay vibes! Do I need this so called Alternative lifestyle haircut to alert the ladies? Because my hair is not gonna do it. The second my hair is cut shorter than six inches, I turn into Shirley Temple. Only not as cute.
ALC's call for thick to medium length straight/wavy hair. I have really thick frizzy-ish curls. I have to wash my hair every other day, otherwise it is turns into a 'fro. Not a real lady attracter.
So, do I shave the side or something? Bleach it? Shave it? How do I reach luscious short locks, elegantly swept to the side? I probably don't, unless my hair miraculously tames itself. This lady magnet seems to be just beyond my reach. Along with an uncooperative hairdresser ("No, I said shorter in the back!"), it seems I'm just going to have to resign to groups of Justin Bieber clones winking at me and groups of hot girl's muttering amongst themselves "Forget it, she's straight."
Stupid hair.

Transphobia.

So, things have been good for me lately. Mom's been home, we've talked, I'm a little less of an angsty teenager who hates everyone, and more of a happy well adjusted teenager.
I have one problem. Mom's best friend saying stupid shit. Let's refer to her as "B"
Don't get me wrong. I love her. She's alright with me liking the ladiez. She likes them too.
But yesterday I was in the car with her and mom, and I was telling them about all the gay kids that had committed suicide last month. Then I mentioned Oak, the transgender high school guy who had been stripped of the title of "Prom King" because he was still registered as a female (Explaining that he was born in a girl's body, and hasn't transitioned yet). I expected a "Oh my god that's horrible. People are assholes."
What I got was a sarcastic, "Oh she's gonna need therapy!" and then proceeded to mimic him in a girly lisp-ish voice saying "It really affected me!"
I didn't really hear much after that, because I was seriously considering doing something I would regret, but I know she referred to him as "shim" and "she".
The sad thing is, I should have anticipated this. Both of them have exhibited transphobia, and a complete lack of understanding of it. I try to explain, but they don't want to know.
And it doesn't stop there. My mom is much better about these things (She doesn't care what they look like, she just wants someone to treat me alright) but B is horrible about this. Let's make one thing clear. I like butch women. An B thinks that they are a joke. If we pass a butch women somewhere, she turns and whispers something like "Oh my god what a man!" or something mean like that. Usually if I call her on it, she just says "I like women, not boys!" in a disgusted tone. She's a femme elitist.
She hates everything outside of the gender norm. Once we saw a person in a restaurant that I suspected was genderqueer or a pre-t transman. When they were puzzling over it in the parking lot, I said that they were probably genderqueer. When I explained that genderqueer was feeling like neither gender, B piped up in a theatric voice, "I cannot be either!"
She expects the women to be femme, and the men to be butch.
Well, she can kiss my binder.

It's funny how people are clueless.

I feel abandoned.
My mother hasn't been... around for the last five years. I see her about three times a week... Rest of the time she's gone.
She thinks I don't know where she goes... I know. I know good and well.
My dad's pretty much raised me. It actually feels weird when she's home for more than two days at a time. I can't remember the last weekend that she was home.
And she's doing all of this for selfish reasons. Abandoning her damn kids for her own selfish reasons. So she can have her fucking cake and eat it too.
I don't want to put up with this bullshit. This isn't normal.
And she expects me to fucking keep my grandparents or anyone else from knowing that she's gone constantly. She tells me "They don't ever ask where I go, do they? What do you tell them?"
And i've kept her bullshit every time. I've never told a soul.
I shouldn't have to put up with this.
This is selfish bullshit.

For Mia, even though she DOES NOT CHERISH OUR RELATIONSHIP

See, i'm friends with this crazy bitch named Mia. (She's also my only follower. Hai Mia)
I think Mia and I have a great relationship. I spam her with pictures of lesbians (And someday.. I WILL move on to butch porn. Mark my words.) and she spams me with Alice in Chains or the Beastie Boys lyrics.
BUT. But Mia APPARENTLY does not cherish our relationship LIKE I DO. Therefor refusing to dedicate a blog to her BeSres freiNd 4evA!!1!!!!!!1! Yet dedicating one to our asshole-ish friend Jeric, who's ONLY EFFORT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP IS TELLING US THAT OUR MUSIC TASTE SUCKS.
So HAI MIA. This is dedicated to you sweet cheeks! (I hate you, bitch)

A little introduction

Hi, i'm Amanda. Im from a great little place called Tennessee.

No, i'm not a damn redneck.

I love Tegan & Sara and the Indigo Girls are my obsession.

I play the mandolin.

I have dreams about Pat Summit.

I work at a shoe store.

I play softball.

And i'm batshit insane.

Welcome.